There comes a point in everyone's life, in some cases several points, in some cases several points a week, when a person stops and asks themselves "Why the fuck did I do that?". Sometimes though, that question comes moments too late, and you wish it could have been asked before something demonically inappropriate occurred. Sometimes you're hanging on the brink of what may have just been the single stupidest thing you've ever done, and the question suddenly transmogrifies into "Why the fuck DO I KEEP doing this??!!??"

I like to think of myself as a man who has his head screwed on better than most. Occasionally, I even like to think of myself as someone who may be a bit more advanced than the average Joe, but then something deep inside me, maybe in the R-complex brain, pulls me right into this fucking lunatic state where things that my "higher reasoning" has intercepted has suddenly become "kill everything that moves... especially if it cares about you." Ok, maybe that's a thought process too complex for the cerebral cortex, but idiocy being instinct is about the only fucking thing I can think of to explain why I contstantly self-sabotage. What's worse is, I've been watching a very close friend of mine go on this same journey, and have read his discoveries, even discussed them at length. But somehow, vicarious existence, as Axl Rose so delicately put it, is a fucking waste of time. For some reason I have to face this stupid shit myself, I can't even learn from others. hell, I can't seem to even learn from myself!

So if anyone can find that little spot of the brain that takes what I think is higher reasoning and turns into false accusations against someone who loves me, could you please do me a favor and insert an instrument of your choice into the base of my skull, extract that fucking impulse to sabotage, and while you're at it, take some of this "higher reasoning" crap, because apparently I don't need it anymore.

Well, I decided it's time for my bi-weekly post.

It's funny how some things can grow on you. Even things that, at first, seem acidic or fungus-like. Things that burn you alive at first, but as you ease into it and realize it's not going to get any better, it makes the burn more bearable - the fungus more harvestable. For even fungus can cure other ailments.

What's weird is that when you get used to it, that's when it gets taken away. You're starting clean, you can grow fungus from anywhere, pour acid on yourself any time... but for some reason, you just want the OLD fungus back.

That's right... today is the last day of my contract. I have to jump back into the job pool and hope that someone rescues me before I drown in a seemingly endless sea of summer students and former software developers. Time to put the monkey suit back on, put my best face forward (though right now I only really have one face), and find some other place where the burning sensation can become bearable.

Incidentally, if your company is looking for a Senior QA Analyst, do let me know.

Till then, hurrah hurrah... another day, another dime.